Creatives: How to Cope With Professional Ghosting

By Dana P. Rowe, PCC, CPCC, CPQC

You nailed the audition, and you’re confident you are exactly who they are looking for. You’re convinced there was a tangible connection with the creative team, you are exhilarated, and you leave walking on air!

You wait for someone to contact you, but they never do — radio silence. Perhaps your agent doesn’t reply when you call or text them either.

Filled with self-doubt, those pesky and nasty inner voices have a field day filling your ears with negative stories of how “you must really suck.” “You clearly imagined that went well – but in reality, it wasn’t so great.” “Whatever made you think you belong in this business?“

It’s enough to make you consider leaving the business entirely.

Face it, friend, you’ve been ghosted. Although the scenario above might not be your actual experience, you can probably relate to it on some level. It can be incredibly demoralizing to invest your time and energy into the possibility of working with someone only for them to disappear without any communication whatsoever.

 

Why would I write a post about ghosting?

I’ve been coaching and mentoring for many years now, and if there’s one thing that comes up in coaching sessions the most, it’s the topic of ghosting — more specifically, being ghosted. By writing this post, I hope to help talented creatives who are experiencing the pain of ghosting feel validated and not alone in their experience. We’ve all been there.

It’s getting out of control

The reality is that it happens all too often in our industry, where creatives come together briefly then go their separate ways or stay connected through social media but never actually have a meaningful conversation.

While it’s easy to take this personally, in reality, there are many reasons why you might be ghosted. It can be an awkward situation for everyone involved, especially if the ghosting person may have been your biggest champion and they’ve disappeared without explanation or even so much as an update on how things are going.

And it’s everywhere

Ghosting is a pervasive yet often unspoken phenomenon in today’s workplace in every arena – from food prep to the C-Suite, from the front of the house to the front of the stage. And whether you’re an actor being passed over for casting or a writer whose project has dried up without warning. It can be challenging to deal with professional ghosting because it has many emotional challenges and leaves us feeling frustrated and humiliated.

 

The endless loop of analysis

It can leave you replaying the events to figure out where you went wrong or, even worse, leave you paralyzed, not knowing whether to follow up, just cut your losses, or worse — give up and pursue a different career entirely.

Along with that, discussing or addressing ghosting can come with, at the very least, a perceived price tag of appearing ungrateful or difficult to work with. Nobody wants to get a bad reputation — especially in the world of the creative and collaborative arts.

 

Emotional consequences

Although very little research has been done around the phenom, there’s no denying that ghosting can have real emotional consequences for those on the receiving end.

A 2020 study suggests that ghosting and breadcrumbing (spaced out non-committal communications) lead to lower levels of personal well-being and higher levels of psychological distress. It leaves us feeling demoralized, disrespected, and even humiliated, which leads to lower self-esteem or even a lowered work ethic directly resulting from being stung in such an egregious way.

 

Enter the paradox of the professional artist

The word professional means we get paid for our time and expertise. Creatives bring ideas, aesthetics, and vision to life through their craft. Yet we can be put in a position where we feel powerless because no matter how much money you’ve spent on training or headshots or networking events — there’s always that feeling of never really being in control of our own careers.

On top of that, we love what we do — you could say that we’re passionate, even — and we’d probably do it for free and already have. Repeatedly.

That creates a strange emotional paradox where we feel like someone is doing us a favor by letting us work. Getting paid, which is expected in most professions, is often considered an added bonus for the creative artist.

That’s pretty messed up, right?

Other professions don’t operate like that. I recently had a conversation with an attorney about her billing practices, and it was apparent to me that she’s in complete control of the way the business of being a lawyer works for her.

Creatives, on the other hand? We don’t have the same kind of negotiating power unless we’ve already had a certain level of success or have an agent or management team behind us.

The good news

The good news is, there are ways to cope with and lessen the likelihood of professional ghosting that will leave you feeling empowered and respected as a creative.

As a fellow creative who has been ghosted numerous times and even been an unwitting ghoster, I’m going to explore why people might ghost and provide some pointers on how to handle this dilemma in such a way that preserves your reputation as a professional while still maintaining your dignity.

 

What is ghosting?

Unfortunately, ghosting isn’t relegated to the dating world anymore. Simply put, ghosting is when someone doesn’t return your phone calls, emails, or text messages. It’s a painful way to be left out of the loop. In some industries, it can even mean your contract is terminated without notice, or you’re simply not included in an upcoming project.

Ghosting doesn’t necessarily happen with every person we meet in the creative arts and beyond; however, it is a common experience for creatives compared to other professions. Creatives are often expected to have thick skin because of the nature of our work — which means that we’re more likely to brush off instances where someone else leaves us hanging without explanation or notice.

This brushing off and moving on is partially why ghosting has become an endemic problem among creatives, and we may not even realize that we’re contributing to it. This is also why creatives are prime targets for ghosting — there are rarely consequences attached to the ghoster’s lack of communication, so they can simply disappear without notice or explanation.

Why is ghosting still a thing?

If it’s such a painful and potentially damaging thing to do, why would people still ghost? It often comes down to the fact that within our industry (and even more so in some than others), we don’t necessarily tend to build relationships with a lot of consistency. Collaboration can be sporadic. It’s also pretty standard for us to work on projects together only every few months or years — it’s not like we’re getting together every single day at the office where it would be weird to ignore each other.

 

Why do people ghost?

It’s important to note that I’m not making excuses here. I’m merely offering some insight into why people might ghost and how to deal with it constructively.

So, when someone disappears without explanation or notice, there are many reasons why this might happen. Still, most often, we can assume it’s because someone is avoiding conflict or unpleasant circumstances. Social anxiety, burnout, or just plain and straightforward carelessness might also be the reason. Whatever the cause, the primary motivation for individuals to flee and run is usually avoidance.

Mind you, being curious and seeking understanding — which can lead to self-compassion and peace of mind — is different from ruminating about the situation –which can lead to depression and low self-esteem. Be sure you are aware of which frame of mind you’re operating in. If you sense you are going down a glum path, consider talking to a friend, a coach, or a therapist who can support you in processing your feelings in a positive, constructive way.

Saying no is difficult

And giving the reasons with the proper nuance and consideration just might be too challenging — even if it’s just to save face.

Sometimes, we’re afraid of offending someone or hurting their feelings which leads us to avoid confrontation altogether, and ghosting is the easiest way out because (theoretically anyway) there aren’t any hard feelings that have been left behind.

Introversion is hard

It might also be easier for people who are more introverted in nature — they may simply not have the capacity to engage with others openly. This is often misinterpreted as being aloof or having a bad attitude — when in fact, it’s just about an introverted person not knowing how to engage with others.

Is there something inequitable about your relationship?

Sometimes, someone may feel they were taken advantage of when working together — either financially or emotionally (or both). It’s possible they aren’t ready to confront you about the issue and instead choose not to engage.

In those circumstances, it’s essential to understand that ghosting is a way of saying no without saying the words. It can be more comfortable for some people and less awkward than directly refusing someone or confronting them about an issue at hand — so they simply opt-out instead.

Some folks just don’t have good manners

A favorite quote of mine that is often misattributed to Freud essentially says, “Before you diagnose yourself with all manner of mental health issues, make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” It’s amusing at first glance because it is, after all, too often true.

It may come down to the fact that some people just don’t have good manners. They’re not concerned with others’ feelings or how they might be hurt by ghosting someone, so it’s easier for them to simply opt-out of an uncomfortable situation altogether than face conflict of any kind. Once again, conflict avoidance seems to be the driving force.

Too many opportunities

It could also be that the person is already over-extended or has more opportunities than time. Ghosting might have seemed like the best option at face value because it was easier than rejecting you outright and, in a way, held the door open in case their own better offer fell through.

Just plain too busy

And finally, perhaps the ghost is just too busy and doesn’t have the time to respond appropriately. This shows more about their lack of organizational skills than anything to do with you.

So what can we do?

Reconsider your part in it

I’m not asking you to beat yourself up here but consider whether you have asked for the favor without sufficiently nurturing the connection. If you’re always asking favors of people who are not close to you, consider instead building a stronger relationship with this person so that there is a mutual give and take and they actually want to help. This makes reaching out much easier later on.

Introduce the elephant

If there’s an elephant in the room, make sure you introduce it to everyone.

It might be awkward, but if you approach reconnecting with your ghost with lightness and ease, it is more likely to be positive for everyone.

There’s a good chance the person ghosting you is running through the scenario in their head, too, and just can’t figure out a way to reconnect without feeling awkward or ashamed of having dropped the ball.

Make it easy for them with a light-hearted note. If you don’t hear back after that — move on.

Don’t take it personally

Above all, resist-resist-resist the temptation to take it personally. It’s important to know that ghosting always says a lot more about the person ghosting and the challenges they may face than it does about you.

You might be thinking, “I did something wrong,” but the reality is, being ghosted rarely if ever, has anything to do with you or your abilities — it’s about them and how they feel at that moment in time. Try not to take it personally when someone ghosts on you because chances are, they’re just trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation.

The most important thing is to stay positive and maintain a strong sense of self-worth when it happens — don’t let someone else’s actions define your worth or leave you feeling inadequate in any way. It’s just not fair for anyone involved, least of all you.

 

 

What are some additional ways to deal with being ghosted?

– Communicate your boundaries clearly early in your relationship — this will help set clear expectations for everyone and may also open a dialogue about what working together might look like in the future should it ever happen again.

– Do nothing. I know this feels like a loser way of dealing, but if the person who has disappeared from your life is genuinely inconsequential, then there’s really no need to go out of your way to get them back into it — just let things lie where they are. Even so, I would suggest processing this in some way with a trusted friend, coach, or therapist.

– Send a note or email. Even if it’s been weeks, months, years — get in touch and make contact again. Sometimes people can be so wrapped up in their own lives that they forget about you entirely, which means making an effort to reconnect is really important for both of you.

– Ask how the person who ghosted on you is doing. This will show that you care and that their feelings are important to you no matter how long it has been since they dropped off the face of the earth.

– Stop interacting with them altogether if there’s a pattern of behavior that constitutes ghosting or other unacceptable professional conduct — this might be easier said than done depending on the circumstances but could be necessary to protect yourself from further hurt.

– If you feel the person who is ghosting on you has a good reason for it, and you’d like to nurture and grow the relationship, don’t be afraid to ask why they’ve gone silent. Sometimes there’s an issue with their end of things, and if this is the case — knowing about it might help you figure out how to improve your own conduct or expectations going forward. Conflict, when handled maturely, can be good for a relationship.

 

Going forward

If you have been ghosted and you have reconnected successfully, consider having a heart-to-heart conversation about planning on how to move your relationship forward in a healthy way and ensure you avoid future lapses in communication.

What if you are the one who is ghosting?

Okay, we’ve all done it. I’m certainly not proud of it, but I have definitely been that person who, every time I went to write an email or make a call, couldn’t quite find the right words. Even though the difficulties I was experiencing were very real to me, whenever I tried to explain my situation, it felt shallow, self-absorbed, and maybe even a tad jerk-ish. Sometimes it’s complicated, and no matter how badly you end up feeling, it just…happens.

Own it

Whatever you do, don’t act like it didn’t happen. Own it and apologize for it. And if being 100% honest runs the risk of being even more harmful to the other person, find a way to be as compassionate and authentic as you can possibly be. People can tell when you are patronizing and when you’re not honest.

Consider sending a simple message and go from there. Something like:

Dear _______. I wanted to apologize for not keeping in touch after our last communication. I’m reaching out to see if we might reconnect with a quick phone call. I’d love the opportunity to speak to you in person and…(complete in your voice)

The relationship might be irreparable at this point, but at least you will feel better after “cleaning up your side of the street.” The best-case scenario would be that you have a heart-to-heart and maintain a friendship. However, depending on how long this has been going on, be prepared for the possibility of receiving radio silence back.

Final thoughts

Please remember that every situation and instance of ghosting is different, so it would be impossible to cover all the aspects of this prevalent and harmful practice in a single post.

In conclusion, if a creative professional is suddenly ignored or left out of the loop, they may be subject to emotional challenges such as feelings of abandonment and rejection, and be inclined to experience low self-esteem.

To cope, do your best to set clear boundaries and expectations early in the relationship and take time to quietly reflect before reacting or responding emotionally to being ghosted. It will also help if you have outside sources who can support you during difficult times, such as close friends, family members, therapists, or coaches.

Thank you for reading this post! If you’re looking for more like this one, be sure to check out the rest of my blog posts for Creative Artists and Entrepreneurs here.